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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Raven Haired Beauty

You never know how a day is going to go when you wake each morning.  Usually, our days are uneventful, perhaps even routine. Sometimes we are aware that something we have to deal with is going to be different and perhaps difficult.  But there are always those days where things happen beyond our control, and we are left standing like a deer in the headlights.

I was at home searching online for good animal related quotes when the phone rang.  Missy, one of my veterinary assistants, was on the other end of the phone line, and then the words were said, "Raven just died." 

"I'll be there in a minute."   The moment I hung up the phone, Raven's name came bellowing out of my mouth amidst sobs and tears.  I hopped into the shower and let the water wash the tears away in what could be a world record for fastest shower.  I got dressed, shoved my three dogs into the car, and drove quickly to the clinic. 

I walked into the office to find my staff all crouched on the floor next to Raven's lifeless body.  All of their eyes were red and puffy.  I walked toward them and blurted out, "I'm sorry guys" then I flopped on the floor next to Raven, clutching her head and white ruffed mane.  Her warm soft Collie fur soaked up my tears, and softened the sounds of my sobs.  "I let you all down, I'm so sorry."

I couldn't let go of the thought, that if I had euthanized Raven prior to this experience, then my staff would not be suffering through the experience they were currently in.

When I first adopted Raven from Minnesota Wisconsin Collie Rescue she was seven years old.  She helped me foster orphaned kittens.  I would feed them, then place them next to her and she would lick them clean and stimulate them as though they were her puppies.  She did a much better job mothering many litters of kittens than I could ever have done without her.



Raven had a way of pushing into your legs when you pet her, like a moose rubbing its mossy antlers on a tree.  Perhaps it was her way of expressing her appreciation.  This morning, she pushed into Missy's legs, and Missy responded with her usual touch of love.  Missy sunk her fingers into that thick Collie coat and scratched Raven's back and rubbed her legs.  As usual, Raven pushed her head into Missy's legs.  Suddenly, Raven slumped forward into Missy's legs, in an unusual way.  Missy called for help then found herself supporting Raven's head so it wouldn't hit the floor harshly as Raven's body slowly sank down to the floor. As quickly as that, she was gone.  There was no lingering, no suffering, nothing that could have been done.  She was just gone.

I knew her time was coming.  She was blind, and almost completely deaf.  She was urinating in the building, not knowing where she was when she was outside.  She lived at the clinic her final years because going back and forth to home and work became risky and confusing for her.  She could no longer judge the distance into or out of the car. One time she jumped the 14 inches out of the van, and smacked her nose on the ground so hard it split open.  Her incontinence also became easier to clean at the clinic with linoleum than with the carpet at home.

She had a recent history of seizures.  I brought her out of her last one a few months ago.  I had her on a doggie "DNR" (do not resuscitate) order in my head.  I knew, rather, I had decided that if there was another sudden health crisis, such as a seizure, or if there were other signs of decline, that the time to euthanize her humanely would be at that time.  There would be no more outstanding efforts to save her if her body let go any more.  But I could not make the decision to euthanize her in her current state, although I know others may have. 

Making the "decision" about Raven was difficult because she had a good appetite and still enjoyed attention.  She had eaten a full meal this morning, just an hour prior to her death.  She did not seem to be in pain, but I knew her quality of life was very limited. 

Raven enjoyed her "Missy rubs" each day.  She usually ate substantial meals with vigor, although she had her off days.  She also had a best friend with her twenty four hours a day.  Her friend's name is Mama Cat and she was a rescue we took in along with her four kittens in July of 2008.  Mama Cat went up for adoption after her kittens were weaned and her vet work was complete.  But we noticed something that quickly removed her from the adoptable list.  Each morning, or after lunch, it was a common occurence to enter the clinic only to find Mama Cat snuggled up next to Raven, both of them sound asleep.  Our entry would waken Mama Cat, who would rise and stretch when we arrived, but Raven, with her hearing difficulty remained sound asleep.  Often we found ourselves hunched over watching Raven's chest rise and fall, just to be certain that she was still breathing, and she always was.  Once this bond became evident, Mama Cat belonged to Raven, or vice versa.


Raven snoring while Mama Cat rises to welcome us back to work.

When Raven would walk around the clinic, Mama cat would walk right between her legs, rubbing her ears and face on the soft undercoat of Raven's belly.  If Raven stood still, Mama Cat would rub her way from Raven's belly to her nose purring the entire time.  None of this seemed to bother Raven.

We have our silly stories together. She was so silent a passenger in the car, that I would sometimes forget she was with me. One time, I dropped my van at the auto shop for an oil change. I walked to work, and as I walked into the door, my heart stopped in realization of something! Raven was still in the car! My employee drove me to the auto shop. The car was high on the lift, and the repair crew had no idea why I ran into the building insisting they bring the car down. When I opened the hatch, Raven popped out as though nothing had happened. Back to the clinic we went, Raven trotting on her lead, leaving the guys at the shop with a story to take home that night.

With Raven gone, we wonder what to do about our sweet Mama Cat.  Should we continue to let her live in the clinic?  It's not a bad life by any means, but each animal we place into a home, provides an opening for another cat into our rescue.  Should we list her for adoption? Perhaps there is a family that would give her as much love as we do, and Raven did. 

Our memories and feelings of Raven are so intertwined with Mama Cat.  In the past weeks, Mama Cat has been interacting with us more than she ever had.  I believe she knew changes were coming.  I believe she knew Raven's time was coming. 

It was hard enough letting Raven go, I am unsure as to whether we can let Mama Cat go.  I know it is in her best interest to be in a home and family setting, but perhaps we will give her and ourselves some time to grieve.

Leaving the clinic tonight, and not needing to make sure Raven's food was in it's proper place, or that a light was left on so she could "see", was more than a bit sorrowful.  These actions become automatic, and will take time to dissipate.  Each time it happens will be a reminder of our loss.  We will be reminded again in the morning as we seek out Raven and Mama Cat.  My thoughts are with Mama Cat as I write this hoping she is nestled comfortably somewhere, without her partner of the last three years.

Despite the fact that Raven no longer lived in my home, or slept on my bed, I knew she was always there.  Like a warm blanket, or a soft shoulder, she was there.  And that is what Mama Cat, my staff and I will miss.

A note from my 7 year old daughter sits on the dry erase board at work...





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24 comments:

ameow2002 said...

Lisa, don't feel bad for leaving the choice up to Raven...in this case it was hers to make and she gave you the final gift...not having to make the hardest choice of all. Wish all could go as peacefully and surrounded by love.

RKD8925 said...

Raven was loved by everyone who met her and we will all miss her! This blog is an touching memorial to her.

Sharron V Marshall said...

a beautiful story for a very much loved friend

Deborah Whitham said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Raven had a good life and she left in a perfect, peaceful way, being loved on. I think you were right not to euthanize. Well done.

Marguerite McGrath said...

Collies are the best.

Betsey Butler said...

I'm so sorry--I know you will miss her for a long time--and I'll add MamaCat to my prayer list!!!! She must be lost without Raven!!!!

Karen Schroeder said...

Our sympathy goes out to you, Missy, the rest of the staff and Mama Cat - Raven was a beautiful girl.
I don't believe you let anyone down. Raven wasn't ready to leave yet - like you said, she enjoyed a full meal shortly before she passed away, then loved the attention she received from Missy. This time you didn't have to make "the decision" - it was quietly and quickly made for you.
It sounds like Raven had a very good life with you, your staff and her special friend, "Mama Cat". I'm guessing she would smile and agree. But I know it doesn't make it any easier for you - you'll miss her terribly; and your clinic will be strangely empty . . .

Candace Smith said...

My sympathies on the loss of Raven. Thank you for the wonderful story.

JUDE MATRICARDI said...

What a beautiful story..your actions were right on... both RAVEN and MOMMA were allowed the freedom to choose how they wanted to live,we all get older and some people arent as lucky..they live life alone with no choice...forgotten....these 2 lucky animals were not forgotten nor will they be thanks to your foresight...after reading daily stories of horrendous tradgeys.i applaud you and hug you both for your kindness...THANK YOU AND I
'LL NOT FORGET YOU OR YOUR 2 ANIMALS EVER....thy will be done....and smile after the grief for you truly are a life ANGEL...

Joan Windschitl said...

What a lovely remembrance for a best friend. Heartfelt sympathy to everyone for your loss.

scrub4pups said...

My Raven (a border collie)did the same thing to me one night, just laid down in her crate and left me. She had lp for years and I knew the time would come, but I just couldn't bring myself to give her the injection. I think some of them just have to go on their own terms.

Know she will be waiting for you down the line.

Connie Davis said...

This is why I love your clinic. You and your staff truly love all the animals, its so apparent every time we come in. Thank you for sharing these important personal stories.

Robyn van den Bemd said...

Beautiful story - tears for your loss of sweet Raven. Eventhough we have the power to help our beloved fur ones to cross over The Rainbow Bridge if we feel their quality of life is no longer there, which I think certainly can be a blessing for them and for us. I do believe that when our beloved furries are able to cross peacefully on their own when their time comes, as it sounds like Raven did, THAT is really the best we can wish for from an inevitable life experience. Cyberhugs to you and your staff. RIP Raven.

Sara Golden said...

I am in California, sharing a bit of your grief. Thank you for taking care of Raven and Mama Cat. May Raven run free once again and may Mama Cat find a new Raven.

Sue Black said...

May your precious memories of Raven ALWAYS remain with you and you will feel her presence always. Lifting you all in my prayers as well as Mama Cat.

Sheryl Holland said...

So sorry to hear about the passing of Raven. I believe I met her when I met Emmie and I can see the writting on the wall when I have to part with Emmie....she is such a dear and I would miss her terribly...but then who knows I may go first. Emmie too goes between your legs when she wants you to know that she really likes you or has missed you and if she meets someone new I can tell if she likes them by the leg thing. Raven was a lucky dog the have so many to morn her.

Sybil Soukup said...

This brought tears to my eyes!! Rest in Peace dear Raven...you were loved by many.

Anonymous said...

"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way. We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan."

***Irving Townsend***

Neila said...

I am so sorry to hear about Raven--she was such a beautiful soul and so were you for taking her in--I am sure Mama Cat will miss her terrible--please if you can keep Mama Cat, please do so--she is such a part of your staff, as much as she can be--and she will always be a part of your life because of Raven--I can hardly type because I am crying so hard--RIP Dear Raven--you were truly loved----

Jan VanArsdale-Dufloth said...

To all of Raven's friends, I am so sorry for your loss, lossing a pet is very hard and my prayers are with you all.

Mary A. Dempsey said...

"I think Mama Cat is purrfectly content and happy with her 'home' in the clinic with you and your staff to love on her. I'm sure she will also help you all heal from the loss of Raven. What a precious baby!! My heart breaks for you and I don't think you should be so hard on yourself...you did what we all do when faced with the thoughts of letting go of one of our precious fur chillins....we keep hope alive and in the end...Raven was the one who decided when she wanted to go home. That's how I always pray my babies will go since the pain of putting them down myself is filled with the 'what if's' that can drive you to wonder if you really did the right thing. Bless you and your staff for all you do for those who can't speak for themselves!! <3 RIP Raven you beautiful baby!! You were so loved and will be greatly missed by 'your people and your Mama Cat' <3"

Cindy Khalsa said...

My deepest sympathy to you and yours , I am facing a similar situation, I took in my Berkowitz a year ago in April , he was 10 years old and badly abused , and run over a couple of times the people who adopted him into their family soon found it wasn't a match made in heaven for either , the rescue would not take him back , so I took him because no one else wanted him , I found out within a week he was a 21/2 on the heart worm scale so he was treated for heartworms , because of his age and the severity of the heartworms his lungs have huge lesions and his heart is 3x larger than it's supposed to be , anyway he had 4 or 5 great months (he has permanent nerve damage in his back end) and then the ball dropped again , he got very tender to the touch on his abdomen so the vet was called to the house and he is in the end stages of congestive heart disease , now it's quality of life , he is on 4 different kinds of meds every day one of them being Vetmedin with good results he cant walk very far but still is very happy about his food and goes out on his own he has his bad days and just when I think its time , he wakes up the next day tail wagging , and happy again so I understand the emotional rollercoaster side of it , I am letting him tell me when , I just pray he goes as peaceful as Raven did , anyway thanks for listening , I do appreciate all you guys do for the animals . , Cindy Khalsa ps his name used to be Bear , but he just seemed a Berkowitz to me .

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Rachelle Wallace said...

Just caught the blog about Raven. So very sorry...she was the bomb and rocked plain and simple!! Wish all dogs could love or be loved the way she was at the clinic!! She will be missed but never forgotten! :o)